After the school holidays
about a week ago
Miss Scent, our cool headmistress left
because she had twelve toes
I loved Miss Scent so very much
She had the sweetest smile
But, two toes, they had to go
and the op would take a while
So filling in was Mr. Gooze
who seemed a little weird
He parachuted into school
with only half a beard
He finished his assembly
with one piece of advice -
“When reading from your books,” he sang,
“it’s best to close your eyes.”
Things they went from bad to worse
as Mr Gooze took rule,
“It’s time to do things differently
in such a dreary school.”
“You MUST run in the corridor.
Punch ANYONE you feel.
Detention if you listen well.
Rewards for those who squeal.”
“The uniform is grey and dull!”
he screeched above the noise.
“Tomorrow wear bikini suits.
That’s girls as well as boys.”
He made us climb up library shelves
to walk his dreaded plank
Then count to three and belly-flop
down into goldfish tanks
“Two and Two is four they say!
They’re really incorrect.
Two and two is ninety-six.
They really should have checked.”
His first week finally over
The school had gone quite mad
Homework was – ‘to eat ten worms.’
I ran home to tell Dad
But he just thought I’d made it up
“Your imagination’s wild.
Mr Gooze sounds like a laugh.
Now do your homework child.”
Monday morning came too quick
Mad Gooze was at the gate
He told me I was fabulous
for being very late
The teachers had been forced to have
a piercing or tattoo
When they complained he gunged them all
at meetings in the loo
Lunch was served in doggy bowls
and placed upon the ground
“Let’s wag our tails and woof!” he barked
“Let’s piddle like we’re hounds.”
That was it and that was that
I couldn’t take no more
Mr Gooze had lost his mind
and rolled across the floor
I called the police immediately
They hurried to the scene
where Sir was kissing skipping ropes
and screaming, “I'm the Queen!”
A gang of doctors in white coats
shoved him in a van
and said he'd not return as he
was quite an ill, old man
So glad I was the next school day
Miss Scent had come back early
“At last I have ten toes,” she gushed
Her hairstyle new and curly
“And what’s more,” she grinned and purred
“I have some happy news -
I’m marrying the man I love.
His name is Mr Gooze!”
©2009 Mark C Bird
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